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How to Stop Snoring: A Hilarious Guide to Quiet Nights 

By Morris Wambua

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Snoring Defined by Your Frustrated Partner
Snoring can be explained as the vibration of your breathing parts due to blocked airflow. But if you ask your partner, they’d probably define it as the fastest way to lose sleep, sanity, and maybe their will to live. Many partners have even developed ninja-like moves to deliver a quick elbow jab at 2 AM, hoping to quiet the roaring lion next to them. In the ghetto, this might come with muttered curses in shembeteng or a quick reach for the slipper—anything to stop the noise.
The Hidden Art of “Unintentional” Nighttime Noises
Snoring isn’t just noise; it’s an art form. Each sleeper has their own unique rhythm and sound. From the soft whistle of a tea kettle to the full-blown chainsaw sound, your snore is as unique as your fingerprint. So next time someone complains, remind them that you’re just expressing yourself. Loudly. With nasal style.

Why Snoring is the Leading Cause of Couch-Sleeping
If snoring were an Olympic sport, many would have already earned goldmedals—and couches would be the unofficial podium. While it might start with a gentle suggestion to roll over, soon enough, you’re “volunteering” for a permanent stay on the living room sofa. Just think of it as your very own, surprisingly uncomfortable, personal vacation spot.
Airflow Obstruction, or How to Annoy the Entire Neighborhood
So, why do we snore? According to real science (and not just the angry complaints of your roommates), snoring happens when the flow of air through the mouth and nose is partly blocked. This can happen for various reasons—some because of the way you’re built, others involving bad choices, like eating that large pizza before bed, or having a large plate of obusuma right before dozing off.
Your Anatomy: Built for Snoring?
Some of us are just born to be snorers. It’s like winning a genetic lottery, except the prize is nasal passages that collapse at the mere thought of sleep. A deviated septum, enlarged tonsils, or even a little extra throat tissue can all come together to create the perfect snore storm. Congratulations, you’re a natural talent!

Blaming Evolution: The Real Reason You Snore
If you’re looking for someone to blame, try evolution. Yes, that’s right, our ancient ancestors may be the real cause. Those early humans likely snored in their caves, scaring predators away with their terrifying nighttime roars. So technically, your snoring is just a leftover survival tool. You’re welcome, family.

Common Remedies that “Definitely” Work

1. Nasal Strips and Their Mystical Powers
Yes, I said it! Nasal strips—the Band-Aid for your nose that promises to open your airways like Moses parting the Red Sea. These tiny adhesive wonders are supposed to keep your nostrils wide enough to reduce snoring. But in reality, they’re more like overpriced stickers that give your significant other a brief hope of silence before your snores break through like a bulldozer. Still, if you enjoy the feeling of peeling sticky tape off your face in the morning, this remedy might be for you! By the way, just be ready for curious questions from Aunties and Uncles about why you’re wearing “funny plasters” on your face.

2. Mouth Guards: When Dignity Takes a Backseat to Silence
Nothing says “I love you” like popping a mouth guard into place before bed. These devices, originally designed for football players and boxers, now offer nighttime peace by forcing your jaw into a position that supposedly reduces snoring. Just don’t expect to look sexy doing it. The downside? You’ll sound like you’re gargling marbles every time you try to speak, which could lead to
some truly thrilling late-night conversations. Imagine trying to explain this during a rural stay when sharing a room with visiting cousins—you’ll become the family legend for all the wrong reasons.

3. Essential Oils: Because Your Pillow Needs to Smell Like Lavender
If you’ve ever walked into a health food store, you’ve probably been pushed to try essential oils for just about everything—including snoring. The idea is that certain scents, like lavender or eucalyptus, can magically make your airways clear and snore-free. In reality, your room will just smell like a
fancy spa while you continue sawing logs at full volume. But hey, at least you’ll smell delightful while you’re annoying everyone. But wait! just don’t mix it up with mosquito repellent, or you might find yourself covered in citronella, ready for a safari.

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Unconventional (and Unproven) Solutions to Stop Snoring

1. The Strategic Use of Duct Tape

We all know duct tape can fix anything—from broken pipes to shattered dreams. So naturally, some genius somewhere decided it could also stop snoring. The idea? Just tape your mouth shut. That’s right, folks—literally. Not only will this stop mouth snoring, but it’ll also end your ability to complain about it. Of course, this method has its drawbacks—like, you know, breathing. But
hey, silence comes at a cost! In reality, this might be one of those “shauri yako” moments, where even your ancestors shake their heads from the great beyond.
2. Soundproofing Your Partner’s Ears with Cotton Balls
If you’re not willing to fix your own snoring problem, why not make it your partner’s issue instead? A cost-effective solution is to stuff their ears with cotton balls (or if you’re feeling fancy, splurge on those high-tech earplugs). This method may result in muffled morning arguments or total isolation when you try to whisper sweet nothings—but hey, at least one of you will get some sleep!
3. Hiring a Professional “Snore Whisperer”
In our modern world of strange professions, there’s bound to be a “snore whisperer” out there. Did you check Tiktok for one? These mystical experts, probably wearing flowy robes and holding tuning forks, claim they can calm your snoring away with soothing techniques, chanting, or maybe just a good smack on the back. Is it scientifically backed? Absolutely not. Is it worth a try? Only if you’re
desperate enough to pay someone to “whisper” your nasal music into submission.
Lifestyle Changes That Will “Totally” Stop You from Snoring

1. Lose Weight (Or Just Get a Smaller Nose)

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Doctors love to tell you that losing weight will fix everything from your sore knees to your midlife crisis. Snoring is no exception. Supposedly, dropping a few kilos will reduce the tissue around your throat and lessen the snoring. However, if you’re attached to your snack stash, maybe the better
solution is just to get a smaller nose. While I haven’t seen any studies supporting this, logic suggests that less nose = less noise. Right? And I know quite well that telling someone to lose weight is almost as touchy as discussing politics—it’s best left for the local gossip groups, where everyone’s got an opinion and zero solutions.
2. Sleeping Position: How to Find the One That Won’t End in Divorce

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They say sleeping on your back is the express lane to snoring. So the obvious solution is to sleep on your side, your stomach, or even hanging upside down like a bat—whatever it takes. Of course, this might result in neck pain, confusion in the morning, or unintentionally kicking your partner in the shins. But think of it as a small price to pay for a snore-free night.

Alcohol: Sleep’s Worst Enemy or Snoring’s Best Friend?
If you’ve ever noticed that you snore louder after a few drinks, congratulations—you’ve discovered alcohol’s true superpower. Yes, that extra glass of wine or a couple of Tusker lagers before bed may help you fall asleep faster, but it also relaxes your muscles so much that your throat decides to
throw a party. The solution? Either give up the booze, or embrace the snore and make it a full-blown concert. Just don’t be surprised if the neighborhood starts charging entry fee.
When All Else Fails: Embrace the Noise

In the end, snoring is as much a part of life as taxes, matatu fare hikes, or reruns of old TV shows. Whether you’re the one snoring or the one suffering, sometimes the best you can do is accept the noise, laugh at the craziness, and get a good pair of noise-canceling headphones. And remember, while snoring might ruin sleep, it’s an unintentional performance that’s free of charge. You, my friend, are the leader of a midnight band—one that’s bound to be remembered by everyone within earshot. So, here’s to quieter nights, or at least ones filled with laughter. If you can’t beat the snore, you might as well enjoy the show. Sweet dreams, lala salama!



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